View Larger LOOK AT THIS HUGE FUCKING ASSHOLE WHO SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME AS I WAS DANCING IN MY KITCHEN IN MY TOWEL. HE MET HIS HORRIBLE END GETTING MASHED WITH THE BOTTOM OF AN L. L. BEAN SLIPPER AMID A TORRENT OF OBSCENITIES. (TAKEN WITH MOTHERFUCKING INSTAGRAM HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW COCKROACH)
My dad used to point at bugs on the windshield and say ‘Do you know what
the last thing going through that bug’s head was?’ And I’d play along and
say no and he’d say ‘His butt.’ Today just sort of feels like that.
I put the change I got back from the hot dog vendor (don’t judge me) in my right pocket and felt the quarters slide down my leg before they scattered on the sidewalk. Embarrassed, I picked them up, put them in my other pocket, and, as I walked into my office building, felt the quarters slide down my other leg to ping on the marble floors. So, I have holes in both of my pockets.
I am twenty-eight. Employed. Not homeless. Able to purchase real, functioning clothes. Yet I continue to wear pants with holes (more than one pair), skirts (and pants) with hems safety-pinned or stapled(!), shoes with holes (again, more than one pair), shirts with horrible pit-stains. I rarely brush my hair.
My mom used to scold me for leaving home looking like a refugee. Until right now I was convinced I had cleaned up my act. I guess I’m still the 8 year old who combs her hair over the increasing rat’s nest at the nape of my neck, the 13 year old who shaves her armpits when she thinks of it, the 17 year old who thinks putting on makeup is just putting on mascara, the 22 year old who has two hairstyles: ‘up’ and ‘down’.
How does adulthood work? SOS.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Police Identify Kentucky Derby Murder Victim, Believe He Was Killed After “Altercation”
(via thedailywhat)
Yo, women. I’m planning on writing a real deal article about Amazon Wish Lists. Do any of you lovely followers have any experience with receiving anonymous gifts via your Wish Lists? Will you let me interview you? Please hit up my Ask Box or email me at nicolerjames@gmail.com.
Reblog if you want to live. JK, reblog if you wanna help me out.
Wait, is that what the Amazon Wish Lists are for?!?! Like, random people can send you the stuff you want??? I thought the wish lists were your own private little collection of “I want this, but can’t afford it” sad lists… Wooowowwwowowow. But, I guess, that’s just me, doing it wrong since 1984. Christ.
